Why I don't dance with you more

An acquaintance of mine would like me to dance with her more.  Her tactic is complaining to me that she never gets asked to dance.  She bugs me about not asking her more in a kidding/not kidding kind of way.  She also says things like "I don't know why I come out no one ever asks me to dance" and "I only danced two tandas, that's $5 per tanda " (milonga cover charge was $10).  She complains a lot - about the music, and the men, and the venue, and even her health.

I always dance one tanda with her since she's been friendly to me and was kind enough to help get me out of my introverted shell a bit, so I feel like I owe her one tanda.  But only one.

There's a lot of things that I can't say charitably, so I keep my mouth shut.  But here's what I'm thinking, more or less from worst to best:

The fact is that you drink a bit, and even when sober you lean on your partner a lot.  Now if you were an older woman who is just physically unable to maintain your axis, that would be one thing, but I don't believe that to be the case.  I don't know if you're unaware that you're not on your axis (I wasn't, for a frightfully long time), but the result is that your partner is going to be severely limited in what he can attempt, and he's going to be physically taxed by holding you up more or less continuously for 10 minutes.  Dancing with you is more work than joy, and men's choices of partner will reflect that.

You complained that the very, very good dancer at the milonga didn't hold you like he was holding his current partner (at the time you were complaining).  First of all, if I were a woman, I'd be flattered and happy just to dance with the man in question, because he's creative and moves wonderfully and even though he's very, very good (can you tell I'm a fan?) he dances with everybody.  But never mind that.  First of all, his current partner is a slender woman who is completely on her axis and is in control of her body at all times, and is a very, very good dancer in her own right.  He holds her accordingly.  If you want him to hold you like he's holding her, then lose some weight and get on your axis, and practice.

We spent about 10 minutes dancing, and you spent at least 15 minutes before and 15 minutes after complaining about your lot.  I'm seeking to minimize my interactions with you.

I'm an open embrace dancer, because I'm shy and It's what I'm used to.  You'll dance open embrace grudgingly (and complainingly), but you obviously prefer close embrace.  I don't have anything against close embrace, it's just not what I prefer to do.  Perhaps as I become more skilled and experienced (and less shy) I will be able to do either, but I have a very difficult time leading in close embrace and so in that regard we're just not the best match for each other.

This is America, and women are alleged to be empowered here, we have equality, etc etc.  Ask someone to dance.  I know it's daunting - I'm shy and I find asking strangers and even acquaintances uncomfortable.  Even if they accept (which they mostly do).  But that's one way you can get more dances.

There are a lot of women who want to dance at the milonga, and usually more women than men.  This means that you are going to have to play nice and share, and it also means that you have to compete to be the most pleasant option compared to your peers.  I may have mentioned some ways you can improve your odds above.  But even then, you're not going to dance every song.

I watched two particular women you were competing with that same night.  One is a young (mid twenties) enthusiastic intermediate dancer and improving rapidly (because she works at it).  She's in control of her axis most of the time, and she's also trim and pretty and she laughs a lot and is always having and sharing a good time.

The other is a woman in her late forties, who's an incredibly skilled and amazing dancer (because she has dedicated decades to practice), and she is trim and fit and beautiful and makes a point to do more than her fair share of what it takes to make a beautiful dance.

The younger woman danced about five or six tandas.  She probably could have danced more but she was spending a lot of time being a social butterfly.  I've interacted with her when she was doing so, and I can tell you she's charming and happy and pleasant to be around.

The older, more skilled woman only danced three or four tandas.  She wasn't asked.  I personally didn't ask her because she intimidates me (it's not her, it's me).  I don't know why others don't ask her more, but the fact is that no one dances every song.

You seem to think that paying your admission to the milonga guarantees you lots of dances.  The nerds would say that's "necessary but not sufficient".  You must do much much more than that (and frankly, less of what you're doing now).

Good luck.

Why I keep coming back to Tango

There are no mistakes in tango.  This has meaning on so many levels.  The simplest is that without set figures and steps, nothing is off the table - you can

attempt anything, and hopefully you can make it beautiful (some movements make this easier than others of course).

Tango is sexy and passionate and intimate and filled with longing and strife and anger and tenderness and beauty.

It's uniquely challenging and difficult.  I like difficult things, it turns out.

It demands a level of balance and awareness and body control that I didn't experience in other dances.  Not that other dances lack that, I just think that it comes later in the learning sequence.  With Tango it begins on day 1.  I danced ballroom styles for over a year and didn't realize that I was essentially falling onto every step the whole time.  Once I started tango, I figured it out in about a week, and started correcting it in the first month.  And this vastly improved all my other dancing.

The music is beautiful.  And various.  You can dance tango to nearly anything, because it's so improvisational and flexible.  You can tango to classic tangos (Bahia Blanca is a favorite of mine, along with "Por una Cabeza" (Scent of a Woman" and "True Lies"), or modern tangos ("Whatever Lola Wants", "Roxanne") or waltzes ("valz" in spanish), to pop music.  I've tangoed to Adele "Make you Feel my Love", to Elvis Costello "Watching the Detectives", to Lorde "Royals" and Amy Winehouse " I'm no good" - a wonderful fit for tango.

The Gallantry and old school chivalry of dancing in general holds very much in tango, and that appeals to me as well.  The man leads, and the woman follows, but the goal is to provide a pleasant and fulfilling experience for the woman.  She should be intrigued, happy, and feel like she is dancing beautifully and that all are looking on her with amazement and envy.

I'm most familiar with the leader's role and responsibilities, but the woman's is no less daunting.  I've tried to follow, and being on your axis and prepared to move in any direction requires an alertness and a kind of a zen mind that I found supremely challenging.  Another factor (shared with other dances) is the fact that when something is led, the woman must aggressively pursue and execute the step or move.  A combination of stillness and motion, of waiting peacefully, and moving confidently, and a willingness to essentially trade the lead with the man as the music inspires is required.

The man must quickly learn and dance to his partner's level of experience and vocuabulary, and his lead must be authoritative and unmistakeable while still being gentle and considerate of however long her response may take.  If any signals get crossed (either through a vague lead or difficulty following), the man must seamlessly accommodate whatever has actually happened, ideally without ever letting on to his partner or observers that anything unexpected has occurred.  The woman should always feel that she knows what is being asked of her, and should never feel like she performed anything less than perfectly.  The man must be able and willing to give her time to dance as the music inspires her, and there will be times when she is inspired to change her pace or include embellishments or even perform something that was not explicitly led.  A leader must always have a plan, but when the lady requests time or even takes the lead, he must smoothly and elegantly accommodate that.  At all times the man must dance with confidence.  There are no mistakes in tango, and the man must ensure that.

Following and perception

I'm shopping around for different studios for dance instruction. Not that I'm unhappy with my original outfit, just because I'm a dilettante.

I had my second session with a new instructor recently. Our first session was only half an hour, and in the process of trying to understand something about my hips and center, I related it to Aikido (that NEVER happens....) and mentioned I'd had class just before my dance lesson.

So I show up for our second session a week later. Five minutes into our dance lesson, she interrupted herself and observed "Why didn't you have your martial arts tonight?"

Woah. How did you know?

"You're moving differently".

At this point I've only spent about 35 or 40 minutes with this woman TOTAL.

I guess that's what years of following on the dance floor will do for you.

I'm still gobsmacked.

The Frame, Again

Quickies from a recent lesson:

Your frame - Resilience vs stiffness:
Your frame is all about the relationship between your elbows and spine. Your elbows need to move together, constant distance between your elbows is desirable, having them flapping about is bad, MMmmmkay?. Feeling the relationship between your elbows is how your partner gets signals about rotation. I don't remember if my instructor said this or if this is just my Aikido perspective, but rotation comes from your core, through your hips, back, and then frame. I do remember my instructor made a big deal about the phrase Counter Body Rotation (I may have remembered that phrase wrong - when you google it, you get lots of skiing and snowboarding references...)

Supporting your frame
Your frame should be supported by your lats and traps in your back, supported from below (as much as possible. At least, it should feel that way). I think of it as being like a couple of rubber bumpers in your back that your shoulder blades rest on. My mistake has been to "hang" my frame off my shoulders and collarbones and upper chest. This puts tension in your shoulders, chest, and upper body that you don't need. Apparently this one of the classic blunders men make. Supported from below via your back is the way to go. Rotating your shoulders back is a huge part of this. Start with your arms straight overhead, lower them (still straight) until they are pointing directly ahead of you, roll your shoulders back, then open your elbows out to establish your frame. This helped me feel what I should be doing. A decent frame is also going to demand better posture than I typically have.


There's a difference between getting this mentally and being able to DO it, but at least I have a mental model to start from. Now to get it into my body.

Leading

It's important to me to be a strong lead. I'm starting to get the importance of a strong frame - that structure's how you communicate. I think I tend to be a little limp on my right arm, I think my shoulder is letting my elbow droop. I've been told that the structure comes primarily from my back, not from my shoulders. I'm still thinking about that - which is of course not the point, the point is to do it for a few hundred hours and not think, but I think about everything. I'll probably Google "dancing strong lead" after I post this and geek out.

It's also interesting that leading is boiling down to communicating what you're doing with your core - your center. Of course, the center is also a big deal in Aikido. I guess I shouldn't be surprised - both of these are arts that are all about moving a human figure (or two, I suppose) around on the planet, in gravity, staying balanced while in motion, moving with a purpose. Both of them have that tension between structure and flexibility - you're not stiff, but you've got structure. You need structure to make something happen. But you need flexibility, controlled flexibility to create the motion.

I'm starting to feel how to communicate to my partner, but there's a lot involved. My posture. My poise. My back and elbows. My footwork. I seriously need to get over my tendency to try to dodge around my partner's feet. Not only is that wrong, it's weak leading, but it muddies the signals she needs.

In Aikido I sometimes have a bad habit of moving around or sort of glancing off my partner's center, when I should be moving my center through theirs. On the dance floor I'm not as definitive and decisive as I'd (and my partner'd) like me to be. Part of that is I don't know what I'm doing yet, in fact I often don't know what my options even are. It's hard to be definitive when my brain runs off the little island of what I know - like Wiley Coyote ten feet beyond the cliff edge, holding up a little sign reading "Now What?". But part of it is just that attitude I need of "Now, I am doing THIS". Decide and act. Unapologetically, decisively, unambiguously. Maybe dance will help my Aikido. I'm sure Aikido will help my dance.

I'm also not spending enough time just dancing between lessons. Lessons tend to pile on as much new information as I can take, or a little bit more, which is fine and wonderful and good value and responsible teaching. That's all good. But because I think about everything, and because I ultimately need to stop thinking I need hours of dancing just for practice. I think I'm going to try to find another student to just drill with - do the new thing I learned about 20 times in a row till my body starts feeling it. Or maybe I'll discuss this with my teachers and figure out how to get some drill time. As it is now, I get back on the dance floor and am trying to think what to do, instead of being in a place where I'm just moving.

Having fun.